WE OPEN on K2K and FYRE's post coital bliss, as the title flashes on the screen: "NIGHTMARE REDUX 5: THE ASS CHILD" FYRE Best 10 seconds of my life. K2K Get off my back. I was in a coma you know. FYRE I know. Hey, did you know that you have sores all over your ass and back? K2K Bedsores. Jaffe's a shitty nurse. FYRE I have some news for you. K2K Jesus, what is it? I was getting ready to get a beer. FYRE I'm pregnant again. K2K Damn that was fast! Talk about super semen. FYRE No, honey. It's someone else's. K2K Who's? *growing angry* FYRE I don't know. I had a nightmare that some ugly guy in parachute pants fucked me. And he took my dildo. K2K The black ebony one? The one I gave to you for last year's anniversary? FYRE You really are a cheapskate. K2K Hehehehehehehehehe FYRE What about the baby? K2K I guess you could have an abortion. FYRE I planned on that already. K2K So we will go tommorow. Afterwards we can go to Circuit City and look at DVDs. FYRE Asshole. CUT TO: KINGOFHORROR87's house. He's still watching Killer Tomatoes. Suddenly his window flies open in the wind. Turning around, he sees a dark object flying at him, end to end. It smashes into his face. We then see KINGOFHORROR87 on the ground, with the dildo sticking out of his eye. CUT TO: THOR and NECRO's house. They are getting busy in the bedroom, as the front door opens. THOR Oh yeah...who's your favorite director? Call me Cunningham, call me Argento baby. Suddenly, THE GRIMNIR appears behind them. Shoving his dildo into THOR's head, it erupts on the other side, gagging NECRO. THOR *dying* No fucking fair, we survived part 2 on a fucking technicality. THOR and NECRO both die. CUT TO: RIFF's house. He's in the bedroom, masterbating to the picture of MIKE from the board. RIFF Oh I miss you Mike...that hot sweet Harry Potter lookalike ass...Oh yeah. RIFF's door opens as he quickly tries to cover up. We see a pair of ROO sneakers come into frame. RIFF Yeah mom I'm about ready for bed.... RIFF turns around to get the dildo in the stomach from THE GRIMNIR. THE GRIMNIR lifts RIFF towards the ceiling. RIFF Here I come Mike...get ready for butt sex. CUT TO: DOCTOR'S OFFICE. K2K and FYRE are talking to JAWS. JAWS Okay, everything went well. K2K Can we leave yet? I want to pick up the Elvira/T 6-5000 DVD. FYRE Shut up already. So Jaws, what did you do with the baby? JAWS It's in that trashcan over there. K2K Ewwww....that is sick. FYRE So, everything is okay? JAWS Everything is fine. FYRE Okay we are leaving now. K2K Can we have Chinese for lunch? FYRE *sighs* I guess so. K2K YAYYYYYYYYY!!!!! As the three of them leave the office, the trashcan holding the baby begins to shake a bit. CUT TO: CABLEGIRL's house. She is a big breasted blonde girl, and she is naked and taking a shower. Suddenly the curtain jerks open and standing before her is THE GRIMNIR. He begins to jab at her with the dildo. CABLEGIRL Oh god no....oh...wait....hehehe That feels pretty good. Could you move down a bit, Mr. Killer? CABLEGIRL gets stabbed in the throat by the dildo and drops dead. CUT TO: PRIMETIMEBITCH's home. He's playing with his McFarlane Freddy and one of his Barbie dolls. PRIMETIMEBITCH This is it Jennifer...your big break in TV....Welcome to prime time, bitch!! *screams like a girl, obviously trying to emulate Penelope Sudrow's scream* THE GRIMNIR crashes through the wall. PRIMETIMEBITCH stands up. PRIMETIMEBITCH I am playing with my action figures, bitch! THE GRIMNIR grabs him by the throat and impales his groin on the dildo, then he takes the Barbie and Freddy doll and jams them into his mouth. THE GRIMNIR WEG CUT TO: NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET CHATROOM. Pretty full room. K2K, JOHNSAINTJOHNER, JAFFE, CHAOS_GURL, BLACKROSES, TOMK, and GLOVEMAN are in there. START CHAT TRANSCRIPT K2K: So she got her abortion and all is good. I even got free food and a DVD out of the deal. BLACKROSES: Was it a vegetarian meal? K2K: Hell no. BLACKROSES: =( GLOVEMAN: So K, now that I am okay from my attack by lastpicked, I want to give you all a surprise from FvJ. But don't count on it for a few months, okay? K2K: eh.... >>>MECHADRAGON X has entered the chatroom MECHADRAGON X: Guys, the Grimnir has killed a bunch of people today. K2K: Great, now I have to do even more recruiting. Bitch. >>>JAFFE has entered the chatroom JAFFE: Guys, KingofHorror, Thor, Necro, Riff, cablegirl, and Primetime are all dead. MECHADRAGON X: cablegirl's dead? Sweet. K2K: Jesus, you guys act like you are surprised that they died. The Grimnir can't be stopped. Fuck it, I'm out to drink beer and play Madden. Adios. >>>K2K has left the chatroom MECHADRAGON X: I need to change my fingers...I've worn these prosthetics down. brb. JAFFE: If K2K won't stop the Grimnir, then we must!!! Who's with me? JOHNSAINTJOHNER: I am. GLOVEMAN: Me too. CHAOS GURL: Me too. JAFFE: So where do you all live? JOHNSAINTJOHNER: Canada GLOVEMAN: Canada CHAOS GURL: Canada JAFFE: Me too.....hey wait a minute. TOM K: AHHHHH, OH MY GOD NO! JAFFE: Is the Grimnir there, Tom? TOM K: Worse. I am out of beer! BLACKROSES: Night everyone *hugs and kisses* >>>BLACKROSES has left the chatroom CHAOS GURL: I don't like this new chat hardware. Since K2K corrupted the database in the last sequel warning us about Grimnir, they had to switch software. Capitalizing all the names is bad on my eyes. TOM K: God you can be so anal. I'm going for more beer. bbl. >>>TOM K has left the chatroom JAFFE: I have it....from now on, we will travel around, fighting the Grimnir and we shall call ourselves.... JOHNSAINTJOHNER: what? JAFFE: The Eh Team CHAOS GURL: That name sucks.... JAFFE: You suck. OKAY LET'S GO!!! >>>JAFFE has left the chatroom >>>CHAOS GURL has left the chatroom >>>JOHNSAINTJOHNER has left the chatroom >>>GLOVEMAN has left the chatroom MECHADRAGON X: back. Hey, where'd you guys go? Oh well, gonna head back to www.asscockchuggers.com and hack into their mainframe. >>>MECHADRAGON X has left the chatroom END CHAT TRANSCRIPT CUT TO: K2K and FYRE's house. They are sitting on the porch, talking and having a drink. Suddenly something is shuffling up the driveway. FYRE What is that? Honey turn on the light. K2K turns on the porch floods to reveal the ASS CHILD crawling up the driveway to his mother. Loosely resembling the Freddy baby from NOES 5, only whiter and less burned, with more veins showing. FYRE Awww, he came home, like a doggy. K2K Ewww, he looks like a cock with arms. K2K pours out his beer on the ASS CHILD FYRE Stop that. The ASS CHILD begins to lap up the beer like a dog. K2K Heh, that's pretty cool. FYRE Can we keep him? K2K I don't know...oh what the hell? He likes beer, that makes him cool. FYRE Thanks honey, you're the best. K2K But I am not paying for his college. FYRE Okay dear. What do you want to name him? K2K Rod Hertz....that's a great name. FYRE You got a strange sense of humor. K2K, FYRE and the ASS CHILD go into the house. FADE TO BLACK THE END