WE OPEN ON: A GRAVEYARD. It is rainy and stormy. We can see three people from a sky view. They have dug up a grave, as a definition flashes on the screen in blood-red font: Uber (oo-bur): 1. Super 2. Above all else 3. Name used in titles to pump life into a tired series. Then we see the main title flash on the screen: "NIGHTMARE REDUX 9: UBER-REDUX" We pan down on the people, and see that it is JAWS, FYRE, and JEFFREY COMBS, Dr. Herbert West from the Re-Animator series. They are standing over a freshly dug grave. JAWS This is really stupid Fyre. FYRE You got a better idea? JAWS No, but why did you bury those two beside your husband? JAWS motions too the headstones. We see that one is marked K2K, and the ones beside it are marked ROD HERTZ and THE GRIMNIR. FYRE Do you have any idea how expensive graves are? JAWS Well, at least you got an expert on Re-Animation. Ol' Dr. West over there. FYRE looks over at JEFFREY COMBS, who wiggles his tongue at her. FYRE Ewwww, he's creepy. JAWS But he's the best on bringing the dead back to life. He's West! COMBS Yes I am. Now let me get my serum. FYRE Shut up. You just played the role. JEFFREY COMBS begins to cry. FYRE Okay, let's see. We have replaced K2K's damaged body parts with various items. Let's see, we have the pocket pussy, the colostomy bag, the dildo, the chicken wire, and the car parts from a '79 Pinto. That should do it. I hope. Now, Jaws, raise up that pole, and let's see if we can get some lightning. JAWS Damn woman, always giving orders. He does it anyway. All three of them sit down to wait for a lightning strike. JAWS tries to feel up Fyre's ass, but she smacks him across the face. Right after this, a bolt of lightning strikes the pole. Everyone is thrown back a bit by the light and heat. But when it subsides, they get up and run over to the grave. Everyone then peers in. JAWS Wow, check that out. COMBS Did it work? Did it really work? JAWS I dunno. I was pointing out the fact that K2K has a dildo for a cock now. Hehehehehehe. COMBS Oh yeah that's hilarious. FYRE glowers at the two men. FYRE Shut up. Hey, what's that under the coffin. Is that a power line? JAWS I think so. Hell it's glowing. COMBS You sure know how to pick em, Fyre. FYRE Shut up. *looks down* LOOK! We then see that K2K is breathing again. He slowly reaches his hand onto the lightning rod, still glowing red-hot, and jerks it out of him and tosses it aside. He then gets out of the grave. He then looks at the three people watching him. K2K Damn, talk about a hangover. JAWS You okay, K2K? K2K I am reborn. Fashioned from... well, some crazy shit. The name K2K is no longer appropriate. You may call me....K3K. COMBS That name is gay!!!! Hahahaha. FYRE hands K3K something. FYRE Here honey. You know what to do. K3K ignites his ban-saber and decapitates JEFFREY COMBS K3K PEMIS FYRE Honey, we've brought you back because.... K3K ...lastpricked has returned. FYRE How did you know? K3K All the dead do is watch the living. JAWS That's cool. I can't wait to die. K3K Shut up. It's not all fun and games. FYRE Did you see...uh...everything? K3K Yeah. Jesus you get horny a lot. FYRE blushes. K3K Let's go. We have to hurry. K3K, FYRE, and JAWS run off. As they get in the car and leave, we see the dirt by THE GRIMNIR's grave begin to crumble and break up. CUT TO: MATT27's house. He has finally uncovered the ending to the Labrynth on the NOES Encyclopedia DVD. He is masterbating to celebrate his triumph. As he orgasms, he gets the TV dirty. MATT27 Damn. We all know jizz leaves streaks. He gets up to clean the TV. As he leans down with a bottle of windex and a towel, Lastpicked's face suddenly appears on screen. LASTPICKED So does blood, you half-breed. LASTPICKED's dildo glove comes out of the TV and punctures MATT27's neck. CUT TO: PHANTOMPROWLER86's house. He is reading a comic book and drinking. Drunk as hell, he passes out. CUT TO: PHANTOMPROWLER86's dream. He is dressed as the Phantom Prowler, walking around shooting Horror icons. On his side is Greta from Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child. PHANTOM Take that, Chucky! Bitch this, Freddy! Jason, you momma's boy! Mikey, eat lead! Come on Leatherface! Come and get it! GRETA You are great baby! Love me, here and now. PHANTOM My dreams kick ass! GRETA Mmmm hmmmmm. The two kiss passionately, like in the movies. As PHANTOM swings GRETA up, we see that she has morphed into LASTPICKED. LASTPICKED Kiss me fat boy!!! PHANTOM Ewwww no! You are a guy! LASTPICKED Then get ready to catch!!! LASTPICKED bends PHANTOM over and begins to butt-pirate him. As he orgasms, blood spews from PHANTOM's ears, eyes, nose and mouth. LASTPICKED Dead fuck! Ha ha ha ha ha! CUT TO: JAFFE's house. He's playing with Buffy when K3K, FYRE, and JAWS burst in the door. JAFFE Hi guys...wait a minute. *glances* K2K? K3K No...it's K3K now. We finally get a full light view of K3K. He's bald, but half of his head is made up of the door of a '79 Pinto. One eye is a foglight. He is partially dressed, but we see that his left hand is now made of chicken wire and engine parts. Through a windsheild in his chest, we can see that his heart is now a pocket-pussy. And since the worms ate at his cock, it was replaced with a dildo. JAFFE You look horrible. K3K Shut up. My balls are colostomy bags, and they itch like a PEMIS JAFFE Hehehehe, PEMIS. Too bad Dark Hippie is dead. Another joke he wouldn't get, then he'd get all paranoid. FYRE No kidding. Hehehehehe. JAWS Can we cut the chit-chat? Jaffe, we brought back K2..err K3K to help us fight Lastpicked. JAFFE What are we waiting for? To bed, I said!!!! FYRE Oooh a macho dick thing. Can I watch? K3K Will you get laid already? FYRE sulks. CUT TO: THE DREAM WORLD We recognize it from the previous scripts. K3K, JAWS, and JAFFE are walking around, looking for LASTPICKED. Suddenly, at the end of a hallway we see him. Leaning against the wall, tapping his dildo-glove on his pants. K3K GET HIM!!! CHARGE!!! JAFFE Hey K, say PEMIS again. K3K If I do, will you charge? JAFFE Of course. K3K Okay. PEMIS!!!!!!!! JAFFE Hehehe, PEMIS. They charge. But LASTPICKED dissappears amidst a flurry of hate pamphlets, and our three heroes are seperated. CUT TO: TELEVISION STUDIO, DREAM WORLD. JAFFE is behind a podium. He looks up and sees the game show's name: HORROR MOVIE TRIVIA JAFFE This is so fucking cool. ANNOUNCER That's right folks, time for another round of Horror Movie Trivia! And here is your host....Lastpicked!!!! LASTPICKED runs onto the stage, in a Nazi Officer's Uniform. LASTPICKED Thank you Harry Ballsak. Well, we only have one contestant today and that is Jaffe. So Jaffe, unless you were in the Klan, I don't care about your life...so are you ready to play the game? JAFFE Neo-nazi racist fucktard. LASTPICKED I'll take that as a yes! So Jaffe, answer this question: Name all the actors to appear in more than one Nightmare on Elm Street film. JAFFE THAT'S BULLSHIT, I DON'T LIKE NOES! LASTPICKED I'm sorry, that is incorrect. Okay audience, say goodbye to Jaffe. LASTPICKED pulls a lever, and JAFFE falls into the Rumor Pool. CUT TO: THE BEACH. JAWS is on the beach. He is being oiled up by a few of the schoolgirls on Battle Royale. He is eating grapes and sipping Merlot. JAWS What a great dream! SCHOOLGIRL 1 Okay Mr. Jaws, you ready for sucky sucky now? Me love you long time. SCHOOLGIRL 2 Me love you longer time, Mr. Jaws. JAWS C'mon girls, let's go for a swim. We can do sucky sucky later. I promise. All three go in the water. As they are swimming and frolicking, a dorsal fin appears as the Jaws Theme begins to play. Suddenly, both schoolgirls are sucked under the water, and it turns blood red. JAWS tries to swim for shore, but the shark pierces the surface of the water, mouth open. We can hear LASTPICKED. LASTPICKED Smile you son of a bitch!!!! JAWS What a way to fucking die! CUT TO: K3K is walking down a hallway. He sees LASTPICKED. LASTPICKED You look like shit, K2K. K3K It's K3K...bitch. LASTPICKED I won't let you go 3-0 against me. K3K PEMIS-WRINKLE! They attack each other. K3K uses his ban-saber, LASTPICKED his dildo-claw. They fight viciously, back and forth, both taking some damage. Finally, it appears that LASTPICKED has K3K beaten, since he is a re-animated dead guy after all. Just as LASTPICKED is about to kill K3K, we see a figure swing in from the rafters. it's FREDDYFAN, in a Bluntman costume. Under one arm is his FYRE blowup doll. FREDDYFAN Snooch to the motherfucking nooch! LASTPICKED Damn. I can't take you both on. But I will be back....mark my words!!!! LASTPICKED runs off, cursing and hissing. K3K and FREDDYFAN look at each other. K3K FreddyFan? Is that you? FREDDYFAN In here, I am Bluntman, K2K. K3K Uh, I died and was reanimated. Just call me K3K. FREDDYFAN You look like hell. K3K Shut up. FREDDYFAN So K, you never answered my final question. Does Fyre have a tight anus or what? Suddenly, FREDDYFAN begins to disappear. FREDDYFAN What the fuck is going on? K3K Looks like you are coming out of your coma. Congratulations. FREDDYFAN Yay! I'm gonna go find Fyre. Maybe she'll fuck me, she does think I am a cute kid after all. FREDDYFAN disappears. K3K PEMIS. CUT TO: THE GRAVEYARD. THE GRIMNIR has finally dug his way out. He stands tall in the night sky. THE GRIMNIR WEG FADE TO BLACK THE END